Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
