my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
