Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
