Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
