I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
