Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
