I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
