shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
