You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
