Sry I called you an 8
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
