When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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