i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Fuck appropriateness.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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