you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
