I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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