broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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