i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
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I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
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I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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