Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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