She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
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I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
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And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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