I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
send nudes
from the living room?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
