It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
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i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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