Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
