Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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