Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
