I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
