I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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