apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
