she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
