just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
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matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
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My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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