woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
