Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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