Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
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i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
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The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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