So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
