I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
