also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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