My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
