He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i came on her dog
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
