just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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