hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
