i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
