I feel like abortions should bother me more
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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