I am puke
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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