Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He better not be in your backpack
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
