A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
