I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
