U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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