if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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