im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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