you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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