You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
