Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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