Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
