I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
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