A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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