Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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