I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
