if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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