As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
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Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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